The Real Secret to Successful Relationships

August 1, 2008 at 3:51 pm | Posted in Humor, Relationships | 3 Comments

Look in almost every womens’ magazine and you will see an article on how to have a successful relationship, a happy marriage, so on and so forth. I wonder why selective amnesia is not on the list. Think about it; if you remember every annoying thing your significant other did or said, then you would talk yourself out of relationships. I’m referring to the times when your s.o. squeezes the toothpaste from the top instead of the bottom, doesn’t put the toilet seat down, is chronically late, or g-d forbid snores at night. That’s why earplugs were invented : )

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The Things Kids Say

April 13, 2008 at 2:14 pm | Posted in Humor, Random Stuff | Leave a comment

Here are some more funny things out of the mouth of Big Peanut.

After I tell him I’m going to the gym :

Big Peanut: Are you going to Mommy’s gym?

me: No, I’m going to the gym on (insert street number)

Big Peanut: Can I go to the gym with you?

After Bill puts on his fedora

Big Peanut: I don’t like your hat.

 

My Inner Queen of Mean

April 8, 2008 at 7:42 pm | Posted in Humor, Relationships, Whining | Leave a comment

When Real Genius was 7 or 8 years old, he made up a cute little ditty about me: “mean maya, queen of mean; meanest maya you would ever see”. My presence alone seemed to inspire this burst of creativity. Later on, I learned that there was a real “Queen of Mean”; the late Leona Helmsly earned this dubious nickname. While my inner mean girl is a lightweight in comparison, I do have one and it takes 99.9% of my willpower to keep her out of sight.

Lately, I’ve been getting some questions as to whether Bill and I are engaged. While that could be interpreted as an intrusive question, most of the people that have asked are friends/acquaintances from shul. When this happens, I am usually nice and tell them they’ll be one of the first to know when it happens. For our 3rd date, Bill and i went to a large shabbat dinner at this shul; it was me, Bill and 400 of our closest friends. So my shul friends have seen us together from the beginning. Does it get on my nerves? Sometimes it does but I remind myself that they are my friends and they sure don’t mean any harm. They want me to be happy, what’s wrong with that?

I will be home for the first few days of Passover and will be going to my parents’ shul. I will be seeing people who I have not seen in months and I know I will be asked if I am engaged/married. During 1 out of the 3 times Bill has ventured to my hometown, we had Shabbas lunch with one of the rabbis from shul.   Now, I am stressed out thinking about it and am driving myself crazy. The inner meanie is having a field day and really wants to unload. Bill has seen mean maya and he is not one of her biggest fans ; ) In order to unload some stress, I am trying to think of new, witty responses and I’ve come up with this list:

1. When gay people are allowed to get married, then I’ll get married ( I think Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie came up with that)

2. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?  (Groucho Marx).

I also found this funny page with funny answers, here are my favorites:

3. Because I just love hearing this question.

4.  Just lucky, I guess.

But my personal favorite comes from this site:

5. Why do you ask?

That is probably the meanest response out them all, it is very funny to think about responding this way in theory but something tells me it would not work out so well in real life.

I welcome any contributions to this list. I also know that the questions will never end; when you’re engaged you hear “When is the wedding?”, after the wedding you hear “When are you having kids”; when the kids are grown “Are your kids dating anyone/married?”. Unless you want to be a recluse your whole life, you will have to deal with these questions. You might as well try to have some fun with it.

 

 

The Latest on Big Peanut

March 13, 2008 at 3:48 pm | Posted in Humor | Leave a comment

Big Peanut has developed such a personality lately. On one hand, he is very imaginative and funny; one of his favorite things to do is to pretend to be a pilot/bus driver; he loves to get in his toy car and drive to either New Jersey, Las Vegas, or to where Real Genius is going to college. He also loves to run laps in the playroom. Occasionally, he gets into his bossy phases where he tells you that he is going to _______ but you can’t come.

I saw him earlier this week and he does something so hysterically funny that I have to mention it here. He picks up a circular object, puts it under his shirt, and walks around the playroom telling us that he has a baby in his belly. You really had to see it, it was so wrong yet funny at the same time. Keep in mind he’s not even 3 years old yet.

Say What?!?!

January 3, 2008 at 8:59 pm | Posted in Humor, Random Stuff | Leave a comment
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Seen in the sports section of today’s New York Times:

The Knicks reached 2008 with 8 victories and 21 losses — among the worst New Year’s Day records in franchise history. Thomas entered the first game of 2008 talking about championships and legacies. He was not, as far as anyone could tell, attempting humor.

“I believe that one day that we will win a championship here,” Thomas said Wednesday night, before the Kings routed the Knicks, 107-97, at Madison Square Garden. “And I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. And I believe I’ll be a part of that.

For more, click here.

My response? How about fantasyland… (imagine this said by Rodney Dangerfield, “Back to School”)

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Time at Ikea

October 26, 2007 at 6:07 pm | Posted in Dating, Humor, Relationships | Leave a comment

Bill and I are approaching our 6 month anniversary. So, I’ve been doing alot of reminiscing about our relationship; how we met, our first date, the fun activities we did together in the summer from going to Top of the Rock to seeing the Mets to swing dancing at Lincoln Center, all the movies we’ve seen, dinners out, coffee runs at Starbucks, and I have a big, goofy grin on my face while I’m typing this.

I think anyone can agree that relationships do not grow simply through good times like the ones I mentioned above. There needs to be some struggle, you have to see your significant other when he/she is cranky, sad, angry or all of the above. What is most important is how your SO handles these feelings and whether they take any of their frustrations out on you or on other people. These episodes can determine how the relationship or even if the relationship continues.

We are going back to the summer of 2007, picture a Sunday morning, kind of cloudy outside, and Bill wanted to get out of the city for the day. We planned to visit friends in Teaneck, go to Ikea to do some shopping for Bill’s place, and return to the city in time to go to my brother, Dr. O’s birthday party.

We have a nice lunch at the Pasta Factory, see some of Bill’s friends, then we’re off to Ikea and that’s where the ‘fun’ begins. Ikea is one of the most overwhelming stores in the world, talk about sensory overload! The store is an obstacle course of left over shopping carts, people gazing off into space in the middle of the aisle, crying kids, harried salespeople, and, I almost forgot, furniture!

Bill did his homework beforehand; he knew what pieces of furniture he needed and the dimensions for those needed pieces of furniture. We get to the sections with bureaus and armoires, and we spend a good amount of time in a debate of “Oak vs. Birch”. Throughout this process, he thanked me for coming with him. We got on line to give the salesperson the information needed to purchase the armoire.

Standing in a long line is bound to test anyone’s patience. Imagine getting to the salesperson and giving your order only to find out that the store doesn’t have the necessary hinges for your furniture and that you will have to go back to the store and order them. That did not make Bill very happy and he asked to talk to a manager. I am trying to keep the pencils away from Bill in case he gets tempted to stab the salesperson, not like he could have done much damage anyway. The pencils were not even sharpened, I guess management is very smart. After talking to the manager, Bill decides to order the armoire anyway and he will get the hinges at a later date.

We end up on the first floor where Bill has to pick up another piece of furniture (I think it was a bookcase), and we go to the back of the area where there is a bunch of furniture on clearance. Bill goes in the room and I lean back against the wall, ready to collapse right there. I must have had quite the look on my face because Bill looks at me, walks up and says something like “You look really pissed off, why don’t you sit down and rest”. Then, he thanked me again for accompanying him to Ikea.

The checkout process is the biggest pain of all. The lines are very disorganized and I had to discourage Bill from buying everything in ‘the cheapie racks’ (the racks of cheap stuff conveniently placed near the checkout lines, I’ve also seen it in Old Navy, Victoria’s Secret, the Gap, etc. It is meant to make you spend more $$, I’ve fallen prey to that strategy too many times to admit). Then, after we check out, we have to go to the delivery desk (?) where you have to tell them when and where you want your furniture delivered. They don’t deliver your furniture at night so that causes problems for those of us who work during the day and there are no Sunday deliveries so if you’re Sabbath observant you have no choice but to schedule it at a time that is inconvenient for you.

Eventually we get out of the store and even get back to the city in time to make an appearance at Dr. O’s birthday party. It was Bill’s first time meeting Dr. O and his wife, Dr. N, and it went very well.

Moral of the story: If you want to see how well your relationship is going, go spend an afternoon in Ikea. If you still like your SO after the trip is over, then your relationship is in good shape.

When I was your age….

October 16, 2007 at 3:01 pm | Posted in Humor | Leave a comment

My friend emailed me this funny forward, hope you enjoy:

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
 
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things
were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning . uphill
BOTH ways. Yadda, yadda, yadda……….
 
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way  in hell I was going to lay a bunch
of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they’ve got it! But now that… I’m
over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve
got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood,
you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t
know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a
kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
 
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to
walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
 
There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself!
 
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning
and @#*% it all up!
 
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got
a busy signal, that’s it!
 
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It
could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take
your chances, mister!
 
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the
Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders‘ and
‘asteroids’ and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy
was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And
there were no multiple levels or screens it was just one screen
forever!
 
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you
died!  Just like LIFE!
 
When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the
same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a
that sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you
were just screwed!
 
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen
menu and no remote control! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
 
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV
to change the channel and there was no Cartoon
Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning
. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We
had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!
 
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up.We had to use the stove or go build a
frigging fire… imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
 
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled.
 
You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in
1980!
 
Regards,
The over 30
Crowd

 

Good Bye Great Lawn

October 15, 2007 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Humor | Leave a comment
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With the end of summer comes the end of hanging out on the Great Lawn on Shabbat afternoons. The New York Times had a profile on the Great Lawn 2 years ago. 

I have very fond memories of my time on the GL and I have decided to make a list of things I will miss about the Great Lawn. In no particular order:

1. dodging the errant flyballs from all the softball games going on

2. walking laps around the GL with Bill and bumping into people who you haven’t seen in ages

3. blanket hopping

4. working on my tan, well in my case my non-existent tan

5. all the cute babies and little kids I would randomly start playing with in the park

6. all the cute puppies I would randomly start playing with in the park

7. leftover lunches

8. the man who brought a cooler full of popsicles

9. people with their telescopes placed in the middle of the walkway around the GL

10. rollerblading nuns

Is There a Shomer Negia Theme Song?

October 12, 2007 at 2:21 pm | Posted in Humor | Leave a comment
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Earlier this week, I read a post on a blog called Passionate Life about the show “Pushing Daisies”. You can read the post here:

I was thinking about whether there are any popular songs that address being shomer negia. Most songs I know of talk about someone wanting to have sex, let’s think about the songs I listened to as a kid: “Little Red Corvette”, “Let’s Get Physical” (when I was a kid, I thought this song was about exercising at the gym), “Sugarwalls”, “Strut”; when I got older, songs such as “I Want Your Sex”, “Touch Me”, “Naughty Girls Need Love Too”, and “Let’s Talk About Sex” were popular. Imagine a 12-year old singing “I Want Your Sex”, and let’s not forget songs like “Do Me” by Bell Biv Devoe, “Let’s Talk About Sex” (one of the more thoughtful, responsible songs about sex that talks about the consequences of unprotected sex but does so in a witty 3-4 minute rap), R Kelly singing that there’s nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, a little rap about knockin da boots, boom boom boom let’s go back to my room, and Boys to Men singing about how they’ll make love to you all through the night.

Then, you have the Beatles singing about how they want to hold your hand, very risky stuff for the 60s but laughable in retrospect. However, I did think of two songs that could qualify as shomer negia theme songs; the first one was by an artist who grew up in a family that was known to be a little eccentric to say the least, you might think of her siblings as one of the first boy bands, she starred on a few popular TV shows in the 70s and 80s and by the time this particular song came out, she wanted to be in control. This was before she started wearing skimpy outfits and showing off her belly button ad nauseum.

This second song was a one hit wonder that came out in the late 80s, very danceable fun song and the video is a scream.

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